Kid Rock is classiest man alive

Kid Rock, seen here with his crack hanging out, spent the weekend partying with Paris Hilton. Had I been in town, I would’ve thrown a grenade at them. People might call that a bit drastic, but I’m not about to live in a world where the super-herpes these two would create ran free. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my penis how it is. You know, non-melted.

Avril Lavigne - 2007 Teen Choice Awards - Aug 2007

Jessica Alba - 2007 Teen Choice Awards - Aug 2007

At the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Alba let viewers know she’s still salty about an incident with a schoolyard crush. During her acceptance speech for the female hottie award (a staple of any good awards show) she told the audience:

“I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross. Ross didn't love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now! [Ross] promised that if I kissed him he would choose me for baseball ... I was still chosen last. I never trusted men again.”

Whoever this Ross character is, I guarantee he’s sitting at home contemplating putting his nuts in a blender. He’ll weep and curse his childhood naivety - as he very well should. Right now he could be using Jessica’s luscious ass for a decorative end-table. But, no, Ross had to be a moron-sandwich and pick some other kid for his baseball team. Awesome. Thanks. Your sad little tale has made my genitals cry.

Carrie Underwood - Backstage 2007 CMT Music Awards

Brittany Snow - Vegas Magazine Party - Aug 2007

Jessica Simpson beach party

Jessica Simpson arrives in Malibu with her assistants to a beach party on Saturday.

Currently working on Major Movie Star, Jessica plays a down-on-her-luck movie star who tries to change her life by enlisting in the U.S. Army. She was recently shooting scenes in Shreveport, Louisiana. Jessica will star alongside Olesya Rulin and Vivica A. Fox.

Jessica Simpson has also tapped into her entrepreneurial spirit and recently launched her own Fall collection for 2007.